Dating, 365, 52.1, 12.1
Engaged, 574.5, 82.07, 19.15
Married 1,825, 260.71, 60.8
Total 2764.5, 394.92, 92.15
Days, Weeks and Months spent with you.
My life so far
11315
Days I lived before you
7665
Days yet to live, given I make it to 65
12410
Total number to 65
23725
You = less than 12% of my life
It helps to get a little perspective.
AC 2011
On day my heart will stop tearing itself apart,
On day peace and hope will fill it again.
One day I will remember the person I once was
And the person I will be again.
But yesterday my world burnt to a cinder,
Yesterday my best friend broke my heart.
Yesterday everything I though I knew turned to vapor
And a void was left in the place of my dreams.
So today I move on trying to breathe,
Today my heart is carried far from my sleeve.
Today I cry the hot stinging tears of confusion
And regret.
But only for today.
AC 2011
I have spent the past 5 months waiting to see how my life would change and turn. I knew it was unlikely that it would remain the same but giving up that life was so much harder than anything I have ever been through. But now as the last embers fade I look at whats left and find myself surprised.
I have a job, a place to stay and my two cats. That is a good place to start but my heart wants more than mere existing. I miss creating, I miss adventure, I miss trusting myself enough to try. So here I go off into the world of finding me…again. In a way it is funny because I spent the better part of three years in therapy working on my issues. And I know that I would not be doing so well if not for all that work in session and on the yoga mat.
But how do you let yourself dream a new life? For a while I told myself that I wasn’t staying so I intentionally avoided getting to know people and making any connections with this place. But now that I have decided to stay my world is shifting again. I live with a really easy-going girl and for the first time in my life no one care what I’m doing. There are no lectures, pregnant pauses or disappointed looks. And at this juncture in my life I need that ability to stumble my way through this as each day finds me. That is not to say I’m reckless with abandon but I have bad days too and its high time I started admitting it. No one expects that level of accommodation accept me.
So why is she going on and on about this? Because I am making some changes for the good. Yesterday I finally got around to researching yoga studios (not many) and gyms in the area. Then I went and checked out my local YMCA, they have a really nice one here and I ended up joining. Then I looked into places of worship and there are a couple of possibilities.
I am eating better and trying to be conscious of my choices. I have a friend coming for the holiday weekend but not until Monday so I think I am going on an over night trip just for me. I haven’t taken any photos since I have been here and for me that is quite telling. But it has also been the truth, it hurt too much to look at all the beautiful things around me when my life was such a mess. Now that doors are closing and I am choosing there is room for light and the loveliness of the world again.
So here’s to choosing to “really” live again and not sleep walk through my life.
Its been a bit much, making decisions that will affect the next six months/ year of my life.
Its been a bit much, watching the calendar move closer to-day that used to mean so much and now resounds with pain.
Its been a bit much, to not passionately love anything about my life.
Its been a bit much, to move three times in the last six months and still need to rent a moving truck.
Its been a bit much, to watch the love of my life, move on so easily.
Its been a bit much, to be a daughter so overwhelmed that I haven’t had time for my family.
Its been a bit much, when even my cats, know I”m not really here.
So how do I go about changing/ surviving my life?
How do I let myself be here and run madly in the other direction?
How do I open my heart when all I feel is pain?
Because…
Its good, when I do my morning thing.
Its good, when my mom has one last treatment to go.
Its good, when my sister is having a girl!
Its good, when my roommate makes me laugh.
Its good, drinking coffee on the porch.
Its good, listening to the soft purr next to me.
Its good, knowing I am here and there is so much to come.
Its good, because I am alive.
A Crossley 5-2011
well-you-dont-say.deviantart.com/art/Seperation-Anxiety-140774804
Do you see behind the pomp and circumstance?
All the words and smiles meant to distract you and I.
I hear the voice in my head saying, “it’s only a flesh wound, you’re fine.”
But my heart bleeds when I see your name;
The shattered picture of my life rises from the dark corner
And I am forced to feel.
I do well most days; to laugh and love and live
But not when I remember.
I enjoy choosing things for myself and creating a safe place
But not when I remember.
There are days, weeks even when I feel my life finding a still point, balance
but not when I remember.
How long till the sight of you stops shredding my heart?
How long till the sound of your voice ceases to bring tears to my eyes?
How long till I no longer dream of you?
They think they know me;
So sweet and kind, a nice person.
They see the lie I wish was the truth,
But beneath it and beyond its short expanse
Is the broken part of me, the part I cannot fix.
I pray that time will make my lies truth.
A. Crossley 5-11-2011
Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense for now
I’m faking it ’til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we
Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we
Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we
