Lyrics :
‘Om bhur bhuvaha svaha
Tat savitur varenyam
Bhargo devasya dhimahi
Dhiyo yonah prachodayat’
‘We meditate on the transcendental Glory of the Deity Supreme, who is inside the heart of the earth, inside the life of the sky and inside the soul of Heave. May He stimulate and illuminate our minds.’
When I was in are school I was always drawn to things with perfect or near perfect symmetry. There is something about four corners and two halves that speaks of deep grounding and balance. Still my teachers tried ardently to express the idea that a triangular (3) formation or the “X” of five was visually more simulating. Over time I have come to understand this concept and the inherent direction or movement that is implied but the odd numbers, but I am still drawn to the balanced, even more.
Why? Do you ask am I on some esoteric rant about visual balance? I am aware that in life we have many reflections of truth around us all the time and for me this is a truth about myself: I long for a balanced, quiet life. I find it interesting that though this longing has been so dominant, my life has rarely resembled it. I moved a lot as a small child. I went to two different high schools. I moved three times during college and have stayed no more than four years in any place since then. Don’t worry, I find all of this perplexing myself and it causes me to wonder…
It is the place that make you feel at home? Or is it possible that my life is playing the 3/5 so that my heart can know that it is my 2/4? The more I grow and stretch, the more I believe this is so. If my life were clam and stable to the point of stagnation would I have ever gotten here? Some of the best moments of my life happened on the wings of change, distinct parts of myself would have laid dormant or withered had I not been forced open doors I thought were nailed shut.
So her I stand in a 3/5 place again. I know what my life will look like for the next year or so but after that…I can see a life for myself again where I understand where I am going and who I chose to be, but its frightening. I question how much of me is real. I spent years trying to make the 3/5 become a 2/4 and only caused myself a lot of pain. Now that I know my life is unlikely to ever be the 2/4 I long for, the responsibility falls squarely on my shoulders to make my inner life what my outer life is not.
I must be brave enough to seek my own truth. To rediscover the person that I was and find out what she has in common with the person I am now. It feels like there is a vast divide between the two but this is my work. There is no one in this life who can do this for me and the longer I run the longer I leave my whole life in that 3/5 state of ambiguity and imbalance. So starting today I will be more mindful of my choices. I will choose to nurture myself, instead of self medicate. I will learn to be quiet again and trust the voices in my heart. I will let myself love and be loved.
Hey,
So…I know I’ve kind of fallen off the map but sometimes life becomes overwhelming and we have to pull back a bit and take care of ourselves and reconsider. This is where I have been for the past month.
I received formal separation papers from my ex-husband, did not celebrate my five-year anniversary and just drove 11 hrs one way to get the rest of my stuff from VA and bring it to GA. Thank God for good friends and sleep. (This is not my photo) We passed this sign on the way to VA, I could not help but feel the irony.
In the wake of all this I have decided a few things and feel that as the next month rolls by I’ll get a better grip on what I want to do and how to make that happen. I’m not technically divorced because there is a house to sell. But I’m changing all the things I can with out papers and have started to refer to him as me “x”. This is actually a very liberating change.
I don’t know what my life will look like from here, but I do know it will be better. It will hurt less and have more hope. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I know that it has been stop and start for a while now but that is what my life has felt like for the last six months. Hopefully I will get in a groove and settle down a bit. One should not move three times in six months, it’s a lot of work! And it make Ben (cat) neurotic.
So here’s to the last big step on my part and the hope I have for the days to come.
On day my heart will stop tearing itself apart,
On day peace and hope will fill it again.
One day I will remember the person I once was
And the person I will be again.
But yesterday my world burnt to a cinder,
Yesterday my best friend broke my heart.
Yesterday everything I though I knew turned to vapor
And a void was left in the place of my dreams.
So today I move on trying to breathe,
Today my heart is carried far from my sleeve.
Today I cry the hot stinging tears of confusion
And regret.
But only for today.
AC 2011
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
© Mary Oliver.
