I threw my life on the ground and watched it shatter.
In a single moment everything, everything that I knew changed.
I raged, wept and futilely tried to put the pieces together.
I do not remember the moment I realized that my hands where cut and my blood dulled the once bright edges.
I put the shards down and backed away.
From a distance I could see the irrevocable change
But my hands still reached out.
Sheer force of will and the desire to heal stayed them time and time again.
Now a few scares stretch as my hands move once more towards the pieces.
Instead of seeking to replicate what once was, they nimbly dust and wash each;
Looking for the qualities that only it contains: a color, a shape or curvature.
Carefully I lay them out in the mud of this new life.
I am unsure how one piece will sit next to another: if the edges will combine to please the eye,
If the colors still compliment in this erratic new state.
But as each piece finds its place I see the whole better, I trust the wisdom of my hands.
It is not the piece I set out to make, not in its function or form
But it is stronger and more beautiful for the breaking.
AC 2012
Tags: acceptance, art, begining, blessings, change, choices, creativity, hope, imagination, life, love, memories, motivation, moving, new, peace, poetry, positive thinking, relationships, self love, starting over, thoughts, writing
dinning room
Okay so I think this will be my last move for 8 months to a year. When I look back over the past year it has been one hung change after another. First I moved last Sept from Tx (where I had loved for 4 yrs) to Charlottesville Virgina. In Nov my mom was diagnosed with cancer and I flew home to be with her for two weeks and spent Thanks giving with her and my sister.
I came home and my life as a knew it fell apart and I moved out in Jan to live with my best friend in Hahira GA. I lived with her until May when I moved in with a co-worker. I lived with Laura until Labor-day weekend when I moved into my own place!!!
My life has settled down quiet a bit since then. My personal life is 89% sorted and my mom is doing amazing and well on the way to recovery. My cat (Ben) no longer hisses, growls or cries all the time. My other cat (Sandy) has only thrown up once since we moved and he had been up to two times a week not to long ago. The improvement in their comfort and disposition warms my heart.
living room
I have really enjoyed seeming all of my things again. I forgot how when you see your personality reflected in the things around you there is a sense of “I belong here” that naturally goes with it. In its own way it is quiet telling that for the better part of a year I have in very real terms felt homeless. Not that I was not loved or cared for but that there was no possibility of permanence in the places that I have been.
Now I feel the opportunity to be expansive not just physically but in the ability to let my guard down and just be me, what ever that looks like. I get up at 7 am because I like too. I work out for an hour because I want to. I have a quiet time because I need to and then I shower and start my day.
I know it is not the life for everyone, quiet and full of cats but it is the life I choose for myself. For too many years i was not strong enough and then when I was I chose to give it up for something I though I wanted more. Now I find myself re-learning how to live on my own and I can say I’m proud that at each turn though hard or frightening I keep on going.
I keep fighting for the life I know I want and deserve and will have again; with or without someone else in it. I have come to realize that the main component that matters is me. If I am calm and dedicated to my goals the rest will follow in its own good time.
So here’s to all of us that life shook up and said “try a different path” weather we thought we wanted it or not and made the best of it; keeping our harts warm as we learn to live again.
Tags: acceptance, animals, blessings, change, choices, creativity, environment, family, home, hope, imagination, life, motivation, moving, organization, peace, pets, planning, positive thinking, relationships, self love, thoughts
I miss the girl who loved,
I miss the young woman who dreamed,
I miss the woman quietly confident.
I feel bare and empty,
But from this I can be filled:
With new love, new dreams and renewed strength.
I always knew I would survive,
But I have come to the point
Where surviving is no longer enough.
Amanda S 08- 2001
Tags: acceptance, art, blessings, change, choices, creativity, hope, imagination, journal, life, love, memories, motivation, moving, nature, peace, poems, positive thinking, self love, selflove, thoughts, writing
Hey,
So…I know I’ve kind of fallen off the map but sometimes life becomes overwhelming and we have to pull back a bit and take care of ourselves and reconsider. This is where I have been for the past month.
I received formal separation papers from my ex-husband, did not celebrate my five-year anniversary and just drove 11 hrs one way to get the rest of my stuff from VA and bring it to GA. Thank God for good friends and sleep. (This is not my photo) We passed this sign on the way to VA, I could not help but feel the irony.
In the wake of all this I have decided a few things and feel that as the next month rolls by I’ll get a better grip on what I want to do and how to make that happen. I’m not technically divorced because there is a house to sell. But I’m changing all the things I can with out papers and have started to refer to him as me “x”. This is actually a very liberating change.
I don’t know what my life will look like from here, but I do know it will be better. It will hurt less and have more hope. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I know that it has been stop and start for a while now but that is what my life has felt like for the last six months. Hopefully I will get in a groove and settle down a bit. One should not move three times in six months, it’s a lot of work! And it make Ben (cat) neurotic.
So here’s to the last big step on my part and the hope I have for the days to come.
Tags: acceptance, change, choices, divorce, endings, environment, family, friends, home, hope, hurt, husband, life, motivation, moving, moving on, peace, planning, positive thinking, relationships, self love, thoughts
I have spent the past 5 months waiting to see how my life would change and turn. I knew it was unlikely that it would remain the same but giving up that life was so much harder than anything I have ever been through. But now as the last embers fade I look at whats left and find myself surprised.
I have a job, a place to stay and my two cats. That is a good place to start but my heart wants more than mere existing. I miss creating, I miss adventure, I miss trusting myself enough to try. So here I go off into the world of finding me…again. In a way it is funny because I spent the better part of three years in therapy working on my issues. And I know that I would not be doing so well if not for all that work in session and on the yoga mat.
But how do you let yourself dream a new life? For a while I told myself that I wasn’t staying so I intentionally avoided getting to know people and making any connections with this place. But now that I have decided to stay my world is shifting again. I live with a really easy-going girl and for the first time in my life no one care what I’m doing. There are no lectures, pregnant pauses or disappointed looks. And at this juncture in my life I need that ability to stumble my way through this as each day finds me. That is not to say I’m reckless with abandon but I have bad days too and its high time I started admitting it. No one expects that level of accommodation accept me.
So why is she going on and on about this? Because I am making some changes for the good. Yesterday I finally got around to researching yoga studios (not many) and gyms in the area. Then I went and checked out my local YMCA, they have a really nice one here and I ended up joining. Then I looked into places of worship and there are a couple of possibilities.
I am eating better and trying to be conscious of my choices. I have a friend coming for the holiday weekend but not until Monday so I think I am going on an over night trip just for me. I haven’t taken any photos since I have been here and for me that is quite telling. But it has also been the truth, it hurt too much to look at all the beautiful things around me when my life was such a mess. Now that doors are closing and I am choosing there is room for light and the loveliness of the world again.
So here’s to choosing to “really” live again and not sleep walk through my life.
Tags: acceptance, art, blessings, career, change, choices, choosing, creativity, devorce, home, hope, imagination, life, living, love, memories, motivation, moving, openess, peace, pets, planning, positive thinking, positive thoughts, relationships, self love, thoughts, travel
So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about “home” and what makes a place home. For me this is a complicated question. I know for many people it is summed up as the place they grew up. But for those of us who have had wandering lives and childhoods it’s not that simple.
I think the closest I can come is saying “the place where my parents live.” That is not to say the geographic location but the fact that they reside there. If there were to a house I had never seen it would still be equally home.
Now as I adjust to my new life, I find I have similar thoughts about my own home. As long as me and the boys (cats) can be together it is my home.
So what makes your home homie? I would love to know.
Tags: acceptance, blessings, change, choices, environment, family, feeling safe, home, hope, life, living, love, memories, motivation, moving, organization, planning, positive thinking, thoughts
I threw my life on the ground and watched it shatter.
