Aad guray nameh
Jugaad guray nameh
Sat guray nameh
Siri guru devay nameh
I bow to the Primal Guru,
I bow to the Guru woven through time
I bow to the True Guru, the true
identity of the self.
I bow to the Great Guru whose great
glory will always be.
Guru: that which brings us from darkness
(GU) to light (RU).
I am breathing again…but only as such.
My heart shutters and tries to rouse itself from this long sleep
But my will casts the spell to keep it dormant.
I fear my heart, I fear being alive.
Learning to accept joy, trust and love again.
I know the spell I cast cannot last.
I feel my heart stir no matter how powerfully
I speak the words to silence it.
One day I will wake and find myself again in the world of the living-
Trusting some part of myself to another.
But for now I stay safe, I stay asleep.
AC 2012
I threw my life on the ground and watched it shatter.
In a single moment everything, everything that I knew changed.
I raged, wept and futilely tried to put the pieces together.
I do not remember the moment I realized that my hands where cut and my blood dulled the once bright edges.
I put the shards down and backed away.
From a distance I could see the irrevocable change
But my hands still reached out.
Sheer force of will and the desire to heal stayed them time and time again.
Now a few scares stretch as my hands move once more towards the pieces.
Instead of seeking to replicate what once was, they nimbly dust and wash each;
Looking for the qualities that only it contains: a color, a shape or curvature.
Carefully I lay them out in the mud of this new life.
I am unsure how one piece will sit next to another: if the edges will combine to please the eye,
If the colors still compliment in this erratic new state.
But as each piece finds its place I see the whole better, I trust the wisdom of my hands.
It is not the piece I set out to make, not in its function or form
But it is stronger and more beautiful for the breaking.
AC 2012
I have realized that over the past 6 months or so I have done a lot of surviving and not a lot of living. I wish that I could say that it was necessary but I’m awake enough to realize that a good bit of it is hiding. So the question is what do I do about it?
I know that I could continue to live this life and get by but that is not what I want. I miss the passion in my life about work and creativity. I miss being bold and going places and doing things because I want to with or with out people.
I have used the excuse too long that I don’t know anything about this town or the surrounding area. All it takes to remedy that is gas and the GPS. I have come to realize that I am afraid to feel. Being an emotional person most of my life this feels odd but it is the only explanation for many of the things I have let happen.
I don’t “make” anything right now. I love photography and haven’t taken picture in month, it has been even longer since I picked up a pencil or a paint brush. I have written but it’s so easy to escape feelings in the esoteric meanings of words. It is not so easy to evade color, beauty or the memories linked to smell. Once I came to this realization I was shocked that I have spent months choosing not to feel.
That is not to say that I haven’t ranted or cried but I feel something deeper lurking just beyond the emotions I know I cn control. It makes me stop conversations and stay out of my study. I know that I need to address it and love myself through it but I seem to chicken out every time I feel it coming to the surface. I don’t want to be one of those people who hides in other words and yet here I am, reading books and watching tv instead of engaging myself.
So how do I break the pattern? How do I reach out to myself in a way that feels safe? By making a list.
Things to do this weekend and next week:
Some of you may wonder “what is the point in a list if you don’t do those things?” Well for me getting my thoughts together in some form and out of my head always helps. Also having a record so when I find myself in those unhappy prone to numbness moments there is a plan.
I want to thank those of you who have been encouraging me to be less of a victim and more of a survivor. Thank you for you words directly and through your writing. I know that I will get my head out of the sand and rediscover what makes my life amazing.
I must start by saying how sweet I think this is!!! Also that I’m not sure I deserve it. I have ready so many wonderful blogs that are really dedicated and half the time I feel that mine is all over the place. It’s nice to know that some where in all that rambling and hit and miss that it touched some of you and made a connection.
So here’s to the blogs that I read and some randomness about myself.
There are rules to getting awards.
1. Thank the people who give them to you and link to their blog.
http://nuggetsandpearls.wordpress.com/ (a wonderful spunky blog about life)
2. Next nominate 15 Bloggers for this award and notify them about the nomination. I’m not sure I follow 15 blogs but here goes:
3. Finally, tell readers 7 things about yourself.
I am walking through a world of numbness,
Lost between grief and fear.
I hear myself calling from the other side
But I cannot reach me.
All the dreams I so carefully placed,
All the bravado people believed, were lies.
I am not doing well, I have not learned to cope,
I have learned to be silent and smile.
It is apparent, in this moment without distractions
That my life is still empty, that my heart has not healed.
I question my own ability to thrive
And the desire to do so.
Where is the girl I left behind?
Where is the woman confident in her purpose?
Where is the wonder my life held long before I met you?
From where I stand they are but dying embers.
How do I rekindle my dreams,
Do I let them burn to cold ash, hoping that something new will come?
Do I follow old dreams and see if there is any life left in them?
Do I let them pass, fearing the consequence of choice?
There are no answers but the ones in my bruised heart and battered mind.
I don’t remember how to be kind to myself,
I don’t remember what is it to love myself.
I survive, trying to breathe and sleep at night.
A S 2011
