Aad guray nameh
Jugaad guray nameh
Sat guray nameh
Siri guru devay nameh
I bow to the Primal Guru,
I bow to the Guru woven through time
I bow to the True Guru, the true
identity of the self.
I bow to the Great Guru whose great
glory will always be.
Guru: that which brings us from darkness
(GU) to light (RU).
There is a crack, a tiny hole in the once impenetrable walls.
And though the guards have not noticed and the king sits calmly on his throne,
The engineer is worried.
Silently he measures, calculates and waits.
Waits to tell them the inevitable truth, a truth they do not wish to hear:
The structural integrity has been compromised.
It sounds cool and calm but in his mind he is really saying:
We’re fucked.
One day- not right away, the wall will crack and then crumble
And eventually fall down, all because of that tiny hole.
How could this happen? He had been so vigilant, planned and tested it a thousand times.
Maybe it was the foundation or the mortar
Or an unforeseen wind or movement of the ground.
Be that as it may the whole was there and no amount of plaster could cover the truth.
The wall would fall and they would be left defenseless.
ac 2012
Honu,
I have traveled so far out into the ocean that I cannot find the land. I have forgotten the path my heart used to know, the light that guided me through the vast darkness.
I swim on endlessly, not knowing in which direction I travel. No compass star light the darkness above me, no patch of land provides me rest.
And still I wonder…would I rest if grace afforded me a place? Would I follow if the stars were bright above me? I think not. I drove myself into these deep waters, I ran from all I knew.
Who am I to lament my choices, to change my mind.
ac 2012
I threw my life on the ground and watched it shatter.
In a single moment everything, everything that I knew changed.
I raged, wept and futilely tried to put the pieces together.
I do not remember the moment I realized that my hands where cut and my blood dulled the once bright edges.
I put the shards down and backed away.
From a distance I could see the irrevocable change
But my hands still reached out.
Sheer force of will and the desire to heal stayed them time and time again.
Now a few scares stretch as my hands move once more towards the pieces.
Instead of seeking to replicate what once was, they nimbly dust and wash each;
Looking for the qualities that only it contains: a color, a shape or curvature.
Carefully I lay them out in the mud of this new life.
I am unsure how one piece will sit next to another: if the edges will combine to please the eye,
If the colors still compliment in this erratic new state.
But as each piece finds its place I see the whole better, I trust the wisdom of my hands.
It is not the piece I set out to make, not in its function or form
But it is stronger and more beautiful for the breaking.
AC 2012
This past Saturday I took myself on a day trip to Grand Bay Wildlife Refuge which is less than 10 min from my house. I was really surprised by how nice the picnic area was and how long the board walk to the tower is.
It was cold and quiet, it made for the perfect morning stroll. I enjoyed the solitude and the chance to just be with nature far away from the sounds of people. I forget sometimes how necessary it is to remember my place in the world as just one small thing living with many others; some much older than myself.
There is a cypress stump there that they think was around 600 yrs old when the loggers cut it down. That is older than our country! I didn’t see many animals a few small birds and one heron. There were some late season flowers and weeds making a go of it before we get frost.
I had a really good time, it was nice to get out and take some photos. Here are a couple more.
I have realized that over the past 6 months or so I have done a lot of surviving and not a lot of living. I wish that I could say that it was necessary but I’m awake enough to realize that a good bit of it is hiding. So the question is what do I do about it?
I know that I could continue to live this life and get by but that is not what I want. I miss the passion in my life about work and creativity. I miss being bold and going places and doing things because I want to with or with out people.
I have used the excuse too long that I don’t know anything about this town or the surrounding area. All it takes to remedy that is gas and the GPS. I have come to realize that I am afraid to feel. Being an emotional person most of my life this feels odd but it is the only explanation for many of the things I have let happen.
I don’t “make” anything right now. I love photography and haven’t taken picture in month, it has been even longer since I picked up a pencil or a paint brush. I have written but it’s so easy to escape feelings in the esoteric meanings of words. It is not so easy to evade color, beauty or the memories linked to smell. Once I came to this realization I was shocked that I have spent months choosing not to feel.
That is not to say that I haven’t ranted or cried but I feel something deeper lurking just beyond the emotions I know I cn control. It makes me stop conversations and stay out of my study. I know that I need to address it and love myself through it but I seem to chicken out every time I feel it coming to the surface. I don’t want to be one of those people who hides in other words and yet here I am, reading books and watching tv instead of engaging myself.
So how do I break the pattern? How do I reach out to myself in a way that feels safe? By making a list.
Things to do this weekend and next week:
Some of you may wonder “what is the point in a list if you don’t do those things?” Well for me getting my thoughts together in some form and out of my head always helps. Also having a record so when I find myself in those unhappy prone to numbness moments there is a plan.
I want to thank those of you who have been encouraging me to be less of a victim and more of a survivor. Thank you for you words directly and through your writing. I know that I will get my head out of the sand and rediscover what makes my life amazing.
